Under Attack

In addition to garbage, my lawn is also under attack from gophers. These little A holes announce their presence by leaving dirt piles everywhere that look like this:

What is that little white, plastic thing by the gopher hole?

Holy crap, is that a tiny, gopher-sized shovel?

ohmygoshyouguysIamfreakingout! They are using tools! It's only a matter of time before they organize and storm the house with tiny, gopher-sized pitchforks and torches.

This is me right now:

Bu$ted!

Normally I think of people that throw garbage in my yard as lazy turds, but it turns out that some of them are benevolent gift givers. Take, for example, the good sumaritan that left this in my yard -

Some kind and selfless soul left me a newspaper full of local mug shots. This generous person filled a void in my life that I didn't even know existed. How have I lived this long without knowing about the existence of this publication, and this picture specifically?

Look at all the amazing features in here!

Normally this costs a whole dollar, but thanks to my fairy godmother, I got it for free!

Operation: The Fruit Snacks

Finally, the game that requires a steady hand to pull pieces of plastic (meant to be bones, if I recall correctly) out of a naked man is a fruit snack. The thought of enjoying this confection is made even better by the revelation that it is expired by a few days:

I don't know what marketing conventions tell Kellogg's that a game would make a great candy. Furthermore, what is the unique draw of Operation? These are simulated body parts we're talking about here! I don't see the appeal Operation. This is probably because my parents wouldn't spend money on games that needed batteries. It's time for some games from my childhood to follow suit: Monopoly, Mouse Trap, Sorry, and Chutes and Ladders need an edible version. I don't want Candyland, however. That's too obvious.

Somewhere, a gate is open.

The offending garbage appears to be a hastily constructed "please close gate" sign. Its unwelcome presence in my yard is a sure indication that little thought was given to actually fastening it to a gate.

That S is the saddest thing I've seen in a while.

Most depressing award ever

This is what I found in my yard today.

Look, Aaron Gordon. I know it must be incredibly depressing to work hard at your horrible job and get rewarded with nothing more than a tiny bag of dry cookies. But next time, when you are finished eating away the pain, could you please throw the wrapper in the trash can rather than my flower bed?