Do You Want to See the Most Beautiful Thing I Ever Filmed?

Here it is. The most beautiful thing I ever filmed:




Sigh. When I happened upon this trash I was hopeful that I was having a moment like one from "American Beauty". See the original here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKg6OJ6zhhc.

My visitor stats tell me a significant portion of our dedicated readers have not seen "American Beauty" because you are either 1. too young or 2. eschew films with the R rating. My stats also tell me a smaller portion have seen "American Beauty", but only because you were expecting the film to be about flowers AND that you immediately stopped watching the second the flowers made their famous appearance in the film.

So, for all of you, here's some brief exposition:

The film is basically about how hard it is to be a middle class white male. The protagonist is a dude played by Kevin Spacey who's all grumpy for some reason. The movie never really explains why. Anyway he quits his job and starts working at Taco Bell. He becomes best friends with a young Seneca Crane. So then Seneca is like, "Hey dude want some pot?" and Spacey is like, "Sure thing dude. Might as well. I work at Taco Bell." Seneca's dad, played by your all-purpose typecast villain Chris Cooper (The Muppets, Borne movies) is convinced that all this pot smoking (now legal in some parts of the country) is turning romantic or something so.... [spoiler alert] Cooper shoots Spacey dead. The moral of the story is that middle class white males can avoid tragic gun violence if they just try to communicate better before jumping to conclusions. And just like that Spacey's brilliant acting run in the 90s dies too, but that's a whole 'nother story.

Tiki Punch!

 I am genuinely curious what this tastes like. Not enough to actually taste it, but still.

I think Shasta owes an apology to Mãori people for the this.

Play it the Company Way

I came home the other day to this tangly paper mess.  On closer inspection, I realized it was a flyer that someone had tried to affix to the wood utility pole in front of my house with scotch tape.

For those of you who don't speak Japanese, I'll translate. There is an exciting work opportunity for you, just call Jaime to set up an interview on Tuesday or Thursday.   They need 7 people, so I think we just solved the unemployment problem in our country.  You're welcome, America!

The nature of the business is vague and mysterious, but you could probably climb the corporate latter pretty quickly if you know how to use a stapler.

Finally...

Whew... another phone book arrived, which is a good thing since there hasn't been a better method invented for finding pizza delivery or a personal injury lawyer since 1995.

Better Shave Her A Little Closer Before You Kiss Her Goodnight

I looked around my yard for an empty bottle of shaving cream but didn't find it.

If you see someone hanging around West Salt Lake with a severely razor-burned face/legs, we may have solved the mystery of the garbage bandits.  Call the authorities immediately. 

Like it's 1999

I think it's awfully rude that someone threw a party on my front lawn and didn't even invite me.  Is it too much to ask that they at least clean up all their decorations?

Potpourri... not synthetic marijuana... right?

They've finally found a way to sell the needlessly illegal "spice" (you know, the synthetic pot that local news stations have been telling you is destroying young minds). Here's how it's done:

1. Put it in a bag labelled "potpouri" - a subtle, yet important misspelling of potpourri
2. Put a cartoon dinosaur on the package wearing a polo shirt
3. Dinosaur should be holding a bomb
4. Dinosaur steps on ground and mushroom cloud appears. It's happened before. Read about it here.
5. Include a warning label that cautions people to totally not, I repeat not burn this.
6. Remind potential consumers that your potpourri complies with state and federal law.
7. Boom. You're done.

Another one...

Please stop giving me phone books.

Finally... This exists.

You know how when you go to a fast food restaurant and you're enjoying your French fries and you think, "Boy, I wish this could be preserved in an airtight bag so I could eat them as conveniently as I do potato chips." Well, they've done that. Although you can accomplish the same thing by putting leftover McDonald's fries in a grocery sack, tying it in a knot, and eating them a month later.

Pudding Pie... Why?..

The truly brilliant thing about this package, is that this pudding pie will never, ever look like that, and it will surely never, ever be eaten in that dish.

not a square to spare

I'm just grateful that this toilet paper appears to be unused.

Lost in Translation

My Spanish isn't perfect, but I'm pretty sure "Angelito" means "little angel", and not "blue, winged, pig cloud."

What kind of candy could this guy possibly be a mascot for? He looks about as appetizing as a smurf fart.

Pret-a-Porter

Who needs to make a quick costume change in the middle of a neighborhood? A spy or a fugitive? Maybe a dedicated performing artist? Whatever the case may be, it's good to know my front yard can double as a dressing room.

The Youth Art Movement Thanks You

The local youth art movement thanks you for the anonymous donation of supplies, a favor that will be generously paid back to the community with their own brand of urban beautification.