Finally...

Whew... another phone book arrived, which is a good thing since there hasn't been a better method invented for finding pizza delivery or a personal injury lawyer since 1995.

Better Shave Her A Little Closer Before You Kiss Her Goodnight

I looked around my yard for an empty bottle of shaving cream but didn't find it.

If you see someone hanging around West Salt Lake with a severely razor-burned face/legs, we may have solved the mystery of the garbage bandits.  Call the authorities immediately. 

Like it's 1999

I think it's awfully rude that someone threw a party on my front lawn and didn't even invite me.  Is it too much to ask that they at least clean up all their decorations?

Potpourri... not synthetic marijuana... right?

They've finally found a way to sell the needlessly illegal "spice" (you know, the synthetic pot that local news stations have been telling you is destroying young minds). Here's how it's done:

1. Put it in a bag labelled "potpouri" - a subtle, yet important misspelling of potpourri
2. Put a cartoon dinosaur on the package wearing a polo shirt
3. Dinosaur should be holding a bomb
4. Dinosaur steps on ground and mushroom cloud appears. It's happened before. Read about it here.
5. Include a warning label that cautions people to totally not, I repeat not burn this.
6. Remind potential consumers that your potpourri complies with state and federal law.
7. Boom. You're done.

Another one...

Please stop giving me phone books.

Finally... This exists.

You know how when you go to a fast food restaurant and you're enjoying your French fries and you think, "Boy, I wish this could be preserved in an airtight bag so I could eat them as conveniently as I do potato chips." Well, they've done that. Although you can accomplish the same thing by putting leftover McDonald's fries in a grocery sack, tying it in a knot, and eating them a month later.

Pudding Pie... Why?..

The truly brilliant thing about this package, is that this pudding pie will never, ever look like that, and it will surely never, ever be eaten in that dish.